Conflict is inevitable . . . in life, in marriage, at work, on a team, within one’s self, among enemies, even among friends. I’ve had my share of it (my fill of it for that matter) and I am sure you have too.

I appreciate the words of Dale Carnegie, “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.”

I resonate . . . because I AM that creature of emotion; and when emotions take over, conflict can escalate. The question, then, is how does one turn down the heat and resolve the conflict while at the same time protecting one’s own heart in the process? Let’s talk about it.

In the book, Crucial Conversations, the authors describe these encounters as follows:

In this post I share a few tips for navigating these touchy times. Identifying them does not mean I have mastered them. When it comes to relationships, sometimes I get it right and sometimes I get it wrong. Reflecting and writing is one of the ways I try to “get it better.”

As you read this, drop me a note in the comments section, and tell me what you have learned about navigating conflict.

1. Remember the end game: The goal is reconciliation not . . .

Recently, a co-worker approached me regarding a crucial conversation we were both working to navigate. Speaking generally, but with reference to our situation, he said, “If we [Christians] can’t reconcile, what do we have to show the world?” That hit home! The defining mark of Christian leadership is not savvy rhetoric, brilliant strategy, or notable accomplishments. It is service in love (Mark 10:45; John 13:34-35). And love is not working to one-up, out-argue, or defend a position; rather love seeks to reconcile opposing parties. This is what God did for us in Christ. This is what God calls for us to do. Paul writes, “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:18 NIV). Furthermore, the implicit message of Jesus and Paul is this: “Who should forgive, but those who have been forgiven?” (Matthew 6:12 ff, Ephesians 4:32). Navigating conflict is difficult work, but it is work made more bearable when I remember the end game: Sweet harmony! Parties reconciled!

2. Don’t be surprised: Conflict happens. It’s not pleasant, but it’s not the end of the world either. In fact, it is an opportunity for personal, professional, and spiritual growth. Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you . . . .” The original construction conveys the idea not as definite, but definitely a possibility. Jesus addresses it. Books are written about it. Seminars and coaches help us work our way through it. Yes, it is disruptive . . . and often painful, but it is also a window of opportunity to get better personally and organizationally.

3. De-escalate: Exercise good sense. Turn down the emotional heat.

A big thanks to my friend and coach, Jay Desko, for that good word. I spoke with Jay recently when I was navigating a crucial conversation. His words to me, “Tommy, de-escalate!” I see that strategy played out in God’s Word. In Judges 8, Gideon, fresh off a victory over his enemies gets the “What the heck?” treatment from a neighboring tribe. “Why didn’t you summon us when you went to fight?” his neighbors complained. Apparently Gideon’s neighbors lost out on the glory of that victory and they were hot! The Scripture says, “They argued vehemently with him.” But Gideon shows wisdom when he replies, “Now what have I accomplished compared to you?” Gideon de-escalates the situation when he calmly responds to their heated accusations — not with a defensive posture — but with a “soft answer” (Proverbs 15:1). The writer of Judges notes, “When [Gideon] said this, they calmed down” (Judges 8:1-3).

How does one de-escalate a situation? (1) Address it. In the same way fire fighters “run to the fire,” leaders address the difficulty. (2) Show respect. (3) Listen past the emotion. Ask yourself, “What’s the real issue here?” (4) Don’t defend. There might be a time for that, but it is not now. (5) Own what you can. (6) Promise and deliver follow-up after listening and considering the concerns.

4. Attack the problem not the person. Conflict can get personal — fast! Separate the problem from the person.

Our team knows there’s a lot of Merle Haggard in me. When challenges arise and accusations fly, “You’re walking on the fightin side of me.” But God says, that’s a fool’s game. “Fools show their annoyance at once” (Proverbs 12:16) and “Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools” (Ecclesiastes 7:8-9). Yes, it is easy to point the finger, attach blame, and shoot the messenger, but separating the problem from the person helps focus energy on solutions. Of course, that can be tough to do when the presenting problem comes wrapped in hard words and heated emotions, but stepping back and asking, “What’s the issue here?” helps me focus on the root problem not the presenting problem (emotional outrage). Sure, some people find fault like there is a reward for it, but most people don’t. Something has triggered that emotion-laden pounding that lands like a battering ram on the door of my heart. It’s my job to figure out how to discern it.
How do I attack the problem without denigrating the person? Separate the person from the problem. Emotions can fog the real issue. Don’t let that happen. Ask myself, “What’s the real issue here?” How can I help to correct it?

5. Bring a ladder: Use it for any of those times you need to climb down from your high horse.

It is easy to get “high and mighty” when entering into a conflict. In an attempt to justify my position, I may elevate my opinion or point of view from “the way I see it” to “the way you ought to see it.” That is not to say there is never a right and wrong, but it is a warning not to turn my perspective into “my righteous cause.” Paul tells the Galatians that when you go into “correction mode,” consider yourself (Galatians 6:1). The idea behind that is to scope out or contemplate one’s own heart in the process so as not to fall prey to that which I am condemning. Paul didn’t say, “Bring a ladder!” but he could have. Maybe I should bring a ladder to my next “crucial conversation” as my reminder to get off and stay off my high horse.

6. When tempted to lecture . . . ask questions.

I learned this lesson decades ago, compliments of Chuck Swindoll. Chuck’s advice came in reference to parenting, which is often an adventure in conflict. Asking questions helps us test our observations and assumptions. It also demonstrates love for the other person by attempting to “get inside their world” rather than simply giving them a piece of our mind.
Let’s return to the book Crucial Conversations and the diagram below for one of the best lessons I have ever learned. The authors point out that between someone’s action and emotion I tell a story. For example. I am driving down the highway and the jerk in the van in front of me is going SO SLOW! I can’t believe it. I start to get angry. I want to lay on my horn.

“Come on” I chide from my seat behind the wheel. “What’s your problem!”

So I step on the gas and pull around the van only to find that “the problem” wasn’t the van in front of me but the car in front of him. The driver of the car has obvious problems with his vehicle and the driver of the van was patiently waiting for the car to pull over.

Here’s the insight: Between the time I see or hear something and feel a certain way about it, I have told myself a story. Check out the diagram below and then let’s trace my story.

(1) See & Hear: The slowly moving van in front of me.
(3) Tell a story: My emotions were driven by a story I told myself that may or may not have been true. “The driver of the van is obviously being paid by the hour and is padding the time clock at my expense.”
(2) Feel: I start getting all upset because the guy is “ruining my day.”
(4) Act: I get all riled up. Honk the horn and make the people riding in the car with me a little uncomfortable.
I have numbered the steps in the order they generally occur. In other words between the time we see or hear something and then feel a certain way about it, we have told ourselves a story — which may or may not be true. Asking questions helps us test the assumptions on which our stories are based.

Until we start asking questions (testing our assumptions), we will more quickly fall prey to victim stories (It’s not my fault), villain stories (It’s all your fault) and helpless stories (There’s nothing else I can do). As the authors of Crucial Conversations point out, telling “the rest of the story” keeps things in check. So I need to ask, “Is the story I am telling myself true?” “Have I tested my assumptions or the ‘facts’ I am leaning on?”

7. Don’t hide behind the General! General Accusations has led more people into confusion than Napoleon at Waterloo.

“Everyone says . . .” “You always . . .” You never . . .” lack the specificity that actually helps the person with whom we are at odds to identify, assess, and correct “the problem.” Generalizing may help us let off some steam, but clearly describing the offense is a better contribution to what should be our ultimate goal — reconciliation. This is the idea when Jesus, in reference to an offense, says “go and point out their fault.”

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ Matthew 18:15-16 NIV

Jesus does not highlight emotions, he stresses the importance of speaking clearly and persuasively about the nature of the offense. Clarity helps us move toward unity.

8. Wake the tiger: The old adage, “Never wake a sleeping tiger” is bad advice when it comes to conflict. Conflict cannot be swept under the rug. Better to wake the tiger (address the point of conflict) than get mauled by . . . The same can be said for talking about the “elephant in the room.”

If there is a conflict you have been avoiding . . . make a point to “wake the tiger.” You can say, “Jim, can we touch base sometime this week? I want to talk with you about something you said in our conversation. I’ve been bothered by it and it would help me if you can share with me how you see it.” Have these “wake the tiger” sessions in person. Email and even phone calls are poorer mediums to address and resolve these issues. Facial cues, voice inflection, and postures of compassion are missed in emails. Phone calls help overcome some communication challenges, but body language, particularly how one communicates with the eyes, is lost.

9. Write the letter or email, but think twice before you send it. Letters help us work out our thoughts and emotions. That doesn’t mean we should send them. President Abraham Lincoln knew this. At one point, Lincoln was dejected and discouraged. He was also frustrated with his general and as Commander in Chief, wanted to give his soldier a piece of his mind. In Team of Rivals, Doris Goodwin notes that Lincoln wrote a frank letter to General Meade the afternoon of July 14, 1863:

“While expressing his profound gratitude for ‘the magnificent success’ at Gettysburg, he acknowledged that he was ‘distressed immeasurably’ by ‘the magnitude of the misfortune involved in Lee’s escape. He was within your easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection with our other late successes, have ended the war. As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely.’”

Interestingly, Lincoln never sent the letter. Lincoln knew his response was too emotionally charged. While it might help the president to give a "piece of his mind," doing so would rob the general of "peace of mind." Lincoln did not want to leave Meade disconsolate. As it was, the letter provided an emotional outlet for the President and served its purpose without being sent. You can read more by clicking here.

10. Don’t allow false narratives to stay on life support. Pull the plug! The problem with untested assumptions and half-truths is that they lead to false narratives. These narratives live on, creating negativity, confusion, discord, and distrust. Healthy conflict is identifying a false narrative, grabbing the cord, and pulling the plug. Legitimate concern can become damaging gossip when I don’t fact check what I see or hear. God says, “Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life” (Leviticus 19:16), or put positively, “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another” (Romans 13:8). We demonstrate that love when we safeguard the reputation of others.

How to pull the plug on a false narrative: (1) Refuse to listen to gossip; (2) Ask: Have you validated everything you are about to tell me? (3) Just because a “trusted source” says it, does not make it fact. You can say, “Thanks for the heads up, I’ll have to check that out.” (4) When we know a circulating narrative is a false narrative, we must call it out: “Wait, a minute, that charge is inaccurate. I know you would never spread untruth. so I wanted to let you know.”

11. Look for the kernel of truth: Dawson Trotman, founder of the discipleship ministry, The Navigators, said that whenever he received criticism he would “lay it out before the Lord” and pray, “Lord, show me the kernel of truth is this constructive criticism.” When it comes to conflict, I move quickly to self-preservation. Learning to stop, get alone, and then carefully and prayerfully review criticism coming my way — looking for the kernel of truth(s) — is one way to grow through conflict.

12. Be careful little tongue what you say! Reading Proverbs, God’s big book of wisdom, one discovers repeated admonitions to “guard your tongue.” “The one who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps his life from troubles” (Proverbs 21:23). “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues” (Proverbs 17:27-28 NIV). “You have seen someone hasty in his words, there is more hope for a fool than for him” (Proverbs 20:20; see also 29:20). “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues” (Proverbs 10:19). In short, “Tommy, shut your mouth! You’ll be glad you did.” And yes, there is a time to speak up, but that is later and using gentle, kind and winsome words (Proverbs 25:15; 16:21).

13. Emotions are not facts. Let’s return to the definition of a crucial conversation: (1) Opinions vary, (2) Stakes are high, (3) Emotions run strong. These are the moments when “contention” (to contend for or advance one’s argument) can become “CONTENTION” (strife or competition that shows itself in quarreling, disputing, or controversy). There is a reason Solomon shares, “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict (the Hebrew word MADON = STRIFE/CONTENTION) but the one who is patient calms a quarrel” (Proverbs 15:18). When contention becomes CONTENTION (strife, discord, contentious), emotions boil over. Accusations wrapped in heated emotions appear as facts, when in actuality they may be opinions. A charge of, “That’s wrong!” may be better stated, “I disagree with the way you handled this. I think you could have demonstrated more care in the way you acted.”

God’s Exception Clause

Try as we may, there are times when our best attempt to resolve conflict proves futile. In these seasons, I encourage my own heart with Paul’s words to the church at Rome: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). That is not an excuse to stop trying. Reconciliation is still the goal, but living in a world marred by conflict means sometimes the road to reconciliation is much longer (and more difficult) than expected. That’s okay. While resolution may seem a distant spot on the horizon, God is quite capable of getting us to that point of refreshing harmony.

What’s Your Takeaway?

I can get better at having “crucial conversations.” So can you. Whether you read this post carefully or took the time to skim it for a little insight, don’t leave it without identifying one takeaway for your life and leadership today.

Notes:

• “When dealing with people . . . creatures of logic not emotion from Dale Carnegie, quote in CEO Excellence: The Six Mindsets That Distinguish the Best Leaders from the Rest. by Carlyn Dewar, Scott Keller, and Vikram Malhotra. New York: Scribner. Page 67.

• Crucial Conversation from Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High (3rd Edition), by by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory. New York: McGraw Hill. 2022. Page 3.

• Emotions are not facts. See the entries relating to contention in English (click here) and in Hebrew (click here).

• Mastering My Stories from Crucial Conversations, page 99.